The following is a listing of funny and/or interesting things taken from a large array of sources (people I know in varying social circles), along with a few odd things that have popped out of my own mouth on occasion, surprising even me. They are quite amusing. Most of them will probably offend you. Deal with it. Listed in no particular order. Yes, the bolding is messed up. I might actually fix it one day, too.
Dew: Why do I get philosophical this late at night?
Jax: Cos the rum and lack of sleep take over?
Dew: We so need to all live together. Think of the ensuing wackiness! And fights with stereo volume! Jax blasts Busted, Dew blasts Fefe, Jim blasts Poison the Well.
Jax: Neighbors call cops.
Dew: ‘But why’s the rum gone?’ Cos I drank it, damn it.
Jax: You totally suck.
Dew: Pfft. Little Miss I-Can-Get-California-Wasted-on-the-Contents-of-My-Fridge!
Jax: No…! Cos it my precious…
“Jax needs to drag her ass back in here. I have abandonment issues!” - Dew
“There is nothing quite like… Canadian boybands… singing about sex.” - Dew
“Go is the codename for the real God. When you pass him on the street, he gives you money. Pass Go, collect $200.” - Dew
“You know… I don’t think it puts you in good with the church to call the pastor an ‘anal retentive dickhead’… however true it may be.” - Jax
Jax: I think Satan has infiltrated the church.
Dew: Well I already told you I was working here.
Ash: No, I used to take medicine and it made me all psychotic.
Jax: When’s it supposed to stop?
Jax: You come here!
Dew: I fear your were-pigeons.
Jax: How are things going?
Dew: Craptastic. You?
Jax: Soul-sucking brokedom. But denial is a fun place to live.
Dew: An 'estate sale' pretty much means buying dead people's junk, yes?
Jax: Si.
Dew: Well then. I bought a dead woman's tea cups and I'm not sure how I feel about that. Well. Maybe so long as she didn't die drinking tea, I can deal.
Jax: Oh. Wait. I have a clarification… they could be moving, or just want to get rid of shit. I used my phone-a-friend.
Dew: But it’s a dealer who buys at estate sales and it’s mostly antique-like stuff. So I’m going with the Dead Lady Tea Cups Theory. Dead Lady Jewelry!
Jax: Yeah! Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
Dew: Oh, dude… my cousin was telling me about a call where her and her partner had to pull a dead lady out of a bathtub, and she’d been in there for a few days. It was like ‘ew’ but at the same time I was thinking ‘…that’s kinda cool though’. ‘I’m not dead yet! I feel happy! I feel happy! CLUNK!’ Seriously, though. In retrospect? Not the best discussion for a hospital waiting room.
Jax: No, I don’t think so.
Setting: Movie theater, playing the remake of ‘The Omen’; scene: Damien’s birthday.
Dew: You notice one of the kids is running around in a bear costume?
Jax and Dew: *smother mad giggles*
Jax: THAT'S IT! I'M GOING TO CINGULAR WITH A SHOT GUN! THEY FUCKING CANCELLED MY OGO WITHOUT NOTICE! Oh, and, hi.
Dew: PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE AMMUNITION! ... Er... I mean, oooh no, Jax, don't do that...
“Right. So then it doesn't even count that I get Sam. You get Legolas and Frodo, I get Merry. Even trade. Wait, actually? Screw the Hobbits, I want Charlie. He's taller.” - Dew
Jax: …and the guy is looking into something now, and I just heard him say to himself, ‘Oh god’. Is that good?
Dew: Golly. ‘Unless someone is giving you a handjob at the moment, that is not the appropriate response in tech support, sir’.
Dew: I begged my mother to let me see Bush. My brother was even ushering at the concert and my mom wouldn't let me go. I was so mad.
Ash: Why would you want to see the prez?
Dew: The band, dear. Keep up!
Dew: Also performed the Spring Ritual.
Jax: Eh?
Dew: I offered blood to the Gods of the Bathtub. Hopefully they will bless us with another year without razor burn.
Dew: I smell like eucalyptus
Jax: Watch out for koalas.
Jax: Oh, Lost is on tonight…you ever watch season two so you can watch tonight?
Dew: Nah. I quit in favor of Bones.
Jax: You suck! You gave up on the Island of Crazy Plot Twists and Dommie Goodness, how dare you! Heathen.
Dew: I gave up Dommie Goodness for David Boreanaz Goodness.
Jax: Dom better! All Hail Heroin Boy!
Dew: Pfft. David was Angel. He rules all island junkies
Jax: Yeah but he was also a Muppet, so he loses points.
Dew: Muppets beat Hobbits.
Jax: Hobbits rule Muppets. You’re crazy.
Dew: Muppets kick Hobbit ass. Muppet Angel could take down all four Fellowship Hobbits AND the dwarf!
Jax: Yeah but Legolas would go and kick his fuzzy ass to rescue the Halflings.
Dew: Angel would have Spike for back-up, and he could take Legolas.
Jax: Here comes Aragorn to get rid of Spike.
Dew: Hello! Gunn, Wes and Fred would kick his ass. …Well, that is officially the geekiest conversation we’ve ever had.
Dew: You know what I just realized?
Jax: Que?
Dew: We totally forgot about Gandalf this afternoon. Angel would need Willow to combat the magical forces.
Jax: And Gandalf would still totally kick ass. ‘You shall not PASS!’
Dew: Willow flayed a guy alive… with her EYES. Dark Willow. Dark Willow would kick his wizard ass. Annnyywayy. That would be a kickass video game.
Dew: Be right back, I hear this strange muffled noise coming from the freezer. … K, back.
Jax: So what was the muffled noise?
Dew: Ben & Jerry’s ‘Dublin Mudslide’.
Jax: What was it saying?
Dew: ‘I can’t go on, please, for the love of God, take me out of this world! With a spoon!’
Jax: Did yar plunder any food?
Dew: That I did. Tasty ghost-shaped food. Casper the Friendly Meatloaf.
"You know, you're right. Cos I was like 'Should I? Shouldn't I? Hmm...' anyway, I just needed a voice of reason… Holy crap, Jax. YOU were the voice of reason. Now I’m askeered." - Dew
“This guy Bill wants me to go hunting for used books with him. But, he talks about blood a lot, so I’m not sure I want to do that. But… used books!” - Dew
“Since coffee is not regularly in orange, it would have to be (orange + coffee) - coffee = yum . And that’s algebra. And algebra is evil.” - Dew
“Alas, poor Sega, I have neglected you. Fare thee well, my only Nintendo, as dust gathereth on your box. Peace, peace to thee, dear Playstation... your controllers, though broken, are still noble and fair.” - Dew
“I think the version of hell I will drop you off in consists of a twelve hour grammar and advanced English test, followed by watching bad Shakespeare re-enactments, then a medical spelling test... forever.” – Ash
Dew: But why would I want to REPEL the vampires?! Er… I mean… um… interesting!
Jax: In case they’re the bad, non-sexy ones.
Dew: Those are so rare though.
Jax: Speaking of Siberia though... Dew says I can't have a Siberian Husky.
Ash: No. You cannot. I agree. They are like children – you’re not allowed to have those, either.
Jax: Yes, but, difference is, I WANT the puppy.
“Ice cream, sex and coffee. Bad is better than none.” – Dew
Dew: Did you ever read the Alice [in Wonderland] books? That man was on crack.
Ash: God, yes. The best kind. They don’t even make that kind of crack now.
Ash: Christ, I’m good. I embroidered my name on that pillow I use to sit down in your brain.
Dew: Is it as dark and scary in there as I have been led to believe?
Ash: Not really. It’s quite tastefully decorated. And the selection of books is awesome.
“Grr. Argh. Jefe smash vile human trash!” – Jeff C.
Dew: How is it going with you and your small army of felines?
Jen: My small army? Three!
Dew: That IS a small army. It’s bigger than my army.
Jen: Hardly. Doesn’t have to be an army.
Dew: Small feline rhythmic gymnastics team, then.
Jen: Um… Too much Olympics, Dew. Too much. Mini Michael Phelpses flying around your head.
Dew: I want DNA tests to prove he’s not a dolphin!
Jen: His ears should prove that.
"Dews are very fun creatures. They lurk in graveyards, reading books." - Ash
Ash: There are tortilla chips and these ‘Garden Salsa’ chips that have three kinds of cheese on them. I wonder what sort of freaky garden that is.
Dew: Garden of cheeses?
Ash: Sounds deliciously absurd, doesn’t it?
Dew: Yes! Seeding gouda, and such.
Ash: Swiss cheese would be quite a fun plant to see. Maybe a flower?
Dew: Generic processed American is a WEED.
Ash: Yes. It shall be summarily ejected from our Garden of Cheese.
Dew: Amish butter cheese blossoms late in summer. Mozzarella is planted as a bulb.
Ash: Oooh. Yes! Cheddar cheeses are tubers. Bleu cheeses grow up the walls. Parmesan and Romano are grown on a trellis so they hang down.
“I’m SO going to Hell. But I’m totally not warning Satan that you’re coming. The look on his face will be great.” - Ash
Dew: I don’t like tea.
Ash: But you like coffee! So that’s just as good. I think I like the increased acidity.
Dew: I practically mainline it.
Ash: If coffee were an existential being, you would run away with it.
Dew: Probably. We would have a house full of baby lattes.
Dew: Elephants are the only animals in the world with four knees.
Ash: Four knees? What about conjoined twins?
Dew: You want babies! Let’s have babies! Crippled, emo, wheezy, fat babies!
Scottie: Woo! Though I have a feeling, if we had a kid it wouldn’t make it very long. Remember, between the two of us, we’re dead.
Dew: You know what I realized?
E: Potatoes!
Dew: And beans!
E: Yay!
Dew: That is some fluffy hair right there.
Kate: He looks like a wet cat. Only less pissed.
“Dude. You totally didn’t use capitalization. Are you okay? Are you feeling well?” – Lily
“Curse you, devil woman!” – Sarah
Dew: He re-friended me on MySpace.
Jax: Oy. You’re in a love/hate Tina and Ike Turner relationship and you’re not even dating!
Lily: What is it that he’s doing now?
Dew: …Meth?
Lily: Ooh! Me too!
Lily: King Richard any good?
Dew: Which?
Lily: Is this a play written by Shakespeare?
Dew: Oh. Yes. They are. Richard II and Richard III.
Lily: Ahh. The Third, I think.
Dew: Very good.
Lily: Oh, shit. Do I have to read Two before Three?
Dew: E, may I borrow your brain for a moment?
E: So long as you promise to put it back.
Dew: Oh, I will! And relatively unscathed.
Ash: Okay. That’s one more of us home. Just waiting for Curly now.
Dew: Curly?
Ash: Larry, Curly and Moe. You’re Moe, since you’re the smartest.
Lily: Why the fuck have I heard the name John Holmes before this? I think I watched on Coupling. I must know why I know this guy’s name and then blurt it out randomly.
Dew: Wonderland? Film with Val Kilmer. I think.
Lily: Yeah, I’m sure. OH. It was John HURT. Not Holmes. Oh, fuck me. That sent me down the wrong rabbit hole. John HOLMES was a porn star!
Dew: I hate when you don’t dig my fandoms.
Jax: Bah. We must have our own interests.
Dew: Yeah, but yours are lame!
“Scooby Dooby Dew, where are you?
We've still a scene to write now...
Scooby Dooby Dew, where are you?
I'd love some help from you now!
Come on, Scooby Dew, I don't see you,
Writin' 'bout Chicago's rivers...
You're not foolin' me, 'cause I can see,
How Elfleda makes you shiver!
You know we got a real great scene to write,
So, Scooby Dew, come write with me our act!
Don't hold back!
And Scooby Dew, if you come through,
We're gonna' write something awesome not crap!
Scooby Dooby Dew, where are you?
You ready and still willin'...?
If I can count on you, Scooby Dew,
I'll write your favourite villain!” - E
Stargazer: Snicklefritz.
Dew: Never!
Stargazer: That’s not what I heard.
Dew: Well, I was drunk.
Stargazer: That’s the excuse you always use.
Dew: At least there’s no video this time.
Stargazer: There are stills. I should know, I have the negatives.
Dew: Those were photoshopped.
Stargazer: Sarah Palin, is that you?
Dew: Bah! Now I’m offended.
Stargazer: *Pets you, offers you fudge*
Dew: Yay, fudge!
Stargazer: Fudge solves all problems. I am convinced that fudge could bring about world peace.
Dew: Bin Laden likes walnuts in his.
Stargazer: Bush probably likes walnuts, too.
Dew: Bush likes walnuts, peanuts and pecans. But he’s not allowed to have it cos they don’t trust him to chew it on his own.
Stargazer: Yeah, they have to get Cheney to do it, like a mama bird.
Dew: Shh. Don’t mention birds. He’ll shoot you in the face.
Dew: Woot.com rocks my socks! Well, it would, if I had worn any. Since, like, March.
Scottie: Who says your socks can’t be rocked in their sock drawer?
Dew: Well, I hate washing them so I threw them out. These are proverbial socks. Socks I shall one day buy. Somewhere, in a Target, they are rocking. And scaring passersby.
Scottie: Indeed. That’s how you know which ones to buy. The ones that you see rocking the hardest and scaring the most people.
Dew: Indeed. I only by scary rocking-out socks.
Dew: I’m hungry, but I’m too lazy to get up and make foodstuffs.
Scottie: Meh. You must not really be hungry then, like my family says. Oh and, heil Hitler. Like they also say.
"This giant in eyeliner was screaming at me for an hour." - Scottie
"I don't wanna live in a world where you're saner." - Scottie
Dew: Okay, you know what sucks?
Scottie: I have a list.
Nikki: He makes Andy look like a gymnast.
Andy: I am pretty cat-like.
"I know somewhere deep down in that asthmatic exterior is a flaming pothead." - Scottie
Dew: I got my highest score at 88%... as BITCH. Followed closely by GOTH. I am more JOCK than PREP, apparently, which is... interesting.
Scottie: You're gonna beat me up cos I'm a fag rather than look down your nose at me! After you bitch someone out and cut yourself, apparently.
"Yay, I can spell 'Lily'..." [proceeds to place tiles spelling I-N-S-A-N-E on game board] "Told you." - Scottie
"I can flail better than you! I can and will fight you on this. Well, I'll flail at you anyway." - Scottie
"I like my meat. I like cuddly kitties. But not for eating." - Sarah
Stargazer: Meu.
Dew: French cow again?
Stargazer: Yes.
Dew: French cows should wear berets.
Stargazer: There were some Spanish ones here, but they took their sombreros and went home.
Dew: Aww, International Cow Party! Or Fiesta, as the Spanish cows would say.
Stargazer: Yeah, it was wild, man.
Dew: You know who I love?
Scottie: Satan?
Dew: No, we're just friends.
Dew: Yeah, that whole thing went on to nine pages.
Sarah: We're clearly made of awesome.
Dew: Sleeeeeeeeeeep. It does a body good.
Scottie: You were the one saying it's Friday night. And, that's milk. Is sleep the new milk? Cos I never thought of sleep as a liquid.
Dew: It's more like a semi-solid, really. Sleep is like a delicious yogurt.
Scottie: Heh. I guess my kind of sleep is like spiked yogurt.
Dew: It began many millennia ago, when the Lord God did say unto His son, "Jesus Christ, I'm tired! Go bite some damn cows!"
Scottie: Heh. So we've just combined like eight inside jokes into one.
Dew: That's cos we're cool.
Scottie: We totally are.
"No wonder we think we're better than everyone else. We ARE." - Scottie
Scottie: Scoti's friend posted one of those "Most of you won't post this!" things as a bulletin and I wanna post it but in the body say "Haha, just kidding".
Dew: A Jesus thing? I want to post an "I LOVE JESUS / but I cannot fucking stand his fan club" thingie.
Scottie: Yeah. "When Jesus died on the cross, He was thinking of YOU!"
Dew: Oh, seriously? Damn. See, I thought he was all "I am SO kicking Judas' ass after this".
Scottie: I thought it was more of an "I'm dyin' here, gimme some damn water" thing.
Dew: I see a very vengeful Christ on the cross. "Motherfucker is going DOWN".
Scottie: Well it's possible. "You know, I said turn the other cheek, but I didn't have fucking NAILS in my hands and feet at the time. This shit HURTS, yo".
Dew: "I can't play peekaboo anymore cos I can SEE THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE, man. What the fuck?!"
Scottie: That's terrible... And works on so many levels.
"Jesussy country people are freaking VANDALS, man!" - Scottie
Dew: (to Scottie) She's dancing in the library.
Scottie: (to Lily) Stop dancing.
Lily: God. I don't even have to talk to two people. You guys are the efficient IM'ing system America never had when 9/11 happened.... I'm going to hell. But, seriously.
"Manly jaw thing." - Scottie
"'Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.' Well yeah. If I ever see a girl walking around with a talking unborn fetus, I'M killing that freaky thing." - Scottie
"I don't want you dead. Just maimed a little. It's entertaining for me." - Scottie
"I keep trying to scratch it with my tongue but it doesn't work." - Dew
"...No, there's this fucking sexy house across the street. Stairs, a garage, it's white with blue shutters... mmm..." - Scottie
"You're a tiny, ceramic moo cow." - Scottie
Dew [in IL]: That's it. Get in your car, you have to come over. I'll make popcorn. See you in three days.
Jax [in CA]: I don't have enough gas.
"... and I was thinking, 'Yeah, you can die while I laugh'." - Scottie
"... I was only being about 95% pervy." - Scottie
Dew: I colored my entire left hand with a blue highlighter.
Scottie: You're smurfing yourself!
Scottie: Hmm... that is a good point.
Dew: Of course it is!
Scottie: Your humility amazes me.
Dew: You should be Super Martyr Boy! Saving the world... by dying painfully, and anonymously.
Scottie: Um... that one was already taken. Super Martyr Boy = Jesus.
Dew: Yeah, but he didn't have a cape.
"You keep up with how much your pants weigh?" - Scottie
"Abs is a squib!" - Jax
Dew: Wow. Sudden storm.
Scottie: God found you!
"I wouldn't pay that much for three hours of Michael Pitt naked." - Scottie
Dew: [AOL's] gotten so into the habit of shutting me down when I'm in a game that I can't even play Literati anymore. I ended up with 40+ abandoned games cos it'd turn me off.
Kate: I know how that must kill you inside, you crazy word fiend.
"Why am I getting all the puppy killer questions?" - Jax
Dew: I need help.
Jax: Well, duh. But I don't think I'm licensed for that kind of work.
Dew: I would be offended if I weren't referring to assistance in restoring my mental health to begin with.
Kim: I'm mean. He does not care, apparently.
Dew: You just described my relationship with my best friend perfectly.
"All of you Punctuation Freaks take notes here." - Hoberg
Dew: I hate you.
Jax: Love ya too. Hate and heart... same three letters.
Dew: No, seriously. Die.
Jax: Nah... El Diablo told me that my shift doesn't start for a good while yet.
Dew: I knew the fucker would make me put in overtime.
"See? They have stuff in common that doesn't have a penis." - Sarah
Dew: Two words for you: leprechauns and elves.
Jax: Magically delicious!
Dew: Is it wrong that my favorite character on a tv show is the sick, twisted, crazy, obsessive genius serial killer?
Jax: You tend to gravitate towards those like yourself.
Dew: This lady gorilla was staring at me. It was freaky.
Scottie: Gah you even have other species checking you out.
"Oh crack nuggets, I forgot my waffles." - Kate
"I laughed at myself so hard I got a headache. That is a level of narcissim I never knew existed." - Scottie
"She's more boring than me... and that's terrible." - Lee
Dew: Out where Jesus lost his sandals... so I found'em and put them up on eBay for pizza money.
Sarah: Did you happen to find the cross while you were out there? Cos I'm thinking St. Helen gypped the church on that one. I think the real cross is part of someone's house in Jerusalem.
Dew: Actually, its a diving board at a public pool.
Sarah: You think the blood, sweat and tears made it extra bouncy?
Jax: I an angel!
Dew: Pfffft!
Jax: A purty angel.
Dew: In that case, I am God. I smite you. You are smote.
Dew: JC Chasez has a MySpace.
Scottie: Wow. Does he have a separate one for this hair?
Scottie: I was worried about him for a while. Almost said a prayer about it.
Dew: Dear Lord, please sneak in at night and cut JC's hair.
Scottie: Yeah. I changed my mind though. I don't trust zombies with scissors.
"I hacked my chair." - Jax
Dew: What's his name?
Scottie: Ean.
Dew: Ean? Wow. Poor child.
Scottie: He's Irish.
Dew: Even so. There are much better Irish names. Declan, for example... Shane, Kian...
Scottie: You're just saying boy band member names now.
Dew: Well yeah, but they're Irish.
Dew: I am too awesome, I swear.
Scottie: I'm awesomer.
Dew: God says no. He says you smell.
Scottie: God says he's not even talking to you.
"I could not see you going to church. At least not without the intention of burning it down." - Scottie
Dew: Whoa. I just found a reciept in my wallet from 4/28/99.
Scottie: Wow. Clean out your freakin' wallet, lazy.
(On May 7, 2006)
"Fucking authors and their not updating stories for a week. Or longer, if they're you." - Scottie
"I want to meet her and give her a really big hug. And then ask her if she wants to have sex." - Scottie
"If you were here, I would hook you up with meatttt...." - Lily (during Lent)
Dew: That's like Lily telling me she wanted to brush my hair. I was afraid.
Scottie: Well, you have to imagine when Lily says it, she means your hair on your decapitated head on her kitchen counter while she hums nursery rhymes.
"Mmmm. Midnighty snack." - Matt
"My boobs don't get enough attention." - Scottie
Dew: Did someone maybe stab you and you didnt notice?
Scottie: It's possible. It's hard to turn around in this thing. Though there's no open wound, which would generally occure if a knife were involved. I learned that from CSI.
"He used to save the world and now all he does is bite cows for yogurt." - Scottie (re: Jebus)
"If you don't want to fucking talk to me, I'm not holding a gun to your head. I'm not holding a gun to my head either. Honestly, you're not that important." - Scottie
"Yay soaps! I love stealing soap. And shampoos too." - Matt
"So, basically, my sister was making me check our her boyfriend at Mom's house when he had his head turned." - Scottie
"I'm hurting. And I don't mean in the emo way." - Scottie
"I had totally forgotten that I input all my fan fic on my external hard drive, so when I found it the other day, 'twas fun. It's like finally being able [to go] into the special section of the library. 'Go forth, young one, into the land of fan fic'!" - Jax
"I typed 'sniggly'. Which I'm sure is probably racially offensive somehow." - Scottie
Scottie: Wow. 'Girl loses virginity on camera'.
Dew: Camera's gotta be pointy.
"Always with the name-calling before bed." - Scottie
"I'd jump up and down if it weren't for the whole paralysis and gravity not mixing well thing." - Scottie
Scottie: Obsessing is really quite fun.
Dew: I know I enjoy it.
"That's be really ironic now that I think about it. Making lots of money being a civil rights attorney, and then buying and enslaving an actor." - Scottie
"You're first in the camp when I become a dictator." - Scottie
"I'm too manly." - Matt
Scottie: Screw the Earth.
Dew: But you'd get all muddy.
"Hah! I can't picture you being that demonic, Dew." - Matt
"Is wishing for someone to die necessarily bad?" - Scottie
Scottie: My AC is making noise. It sounds like there are rocks in it or something.
Dew: Air conditioner?
Scottie: Yes... No, I named my couch AC.
Dew: Slater!
Scottie: THAT is so sad... that we both thought the same thing.
Dew: Dude, you so got that Saved By the Bell reference, didn't you? Rock on.
Scottie: We are awesome.
Dew: Bad Jax. Thievin' music like that.
Jax: Argh! A pirate I be.
"I had the sense to drop the class [Calculus] and take Math For Humanities Dummies instead." - Hoberg
"They were carted off to a place where they were not allowed to use sharp things." - Hoberg
"...Are you singing Rod Stewart at me?" - Scottie
"Hair is more absorbent than face." - Becky
"I'm eating your candy." - Scottie
"Dude. You're sick. I'll never be able to eat cheese again." - Scottie
"I just woke up, apparently. Didn't even realize I was asleep." - Scottie
"...So I sorta stole it from him. My mom said I could." - Scottie
Matt: That's weird. You know weird people.
Dew: He's my brother-in-law.
Matt: Doesn't make him not weird.
"May your new year be totally awesome, and have plenty of robots and stuff." - Martin
"The dirt road is WAY out there itself, and its also long. Pray that I don't get eaten by cannibalistic rednecks." - Scottie
"I'd have no life at all, if not for Law & Order." - Lily
Lily: Honky tonk... isn't that like, an oxymoron?
Dew: No. 'Honky tonk' refers to a bar that plays country music, kind of a redneck hangout.
Lily: Ohhhh... I thought it was just a white person.
"Also, boy mice have HUGE balls. There, I said it. Don't you judge me. " - Tina
Scottie: Poked myself in the eye. Yay. v
Dew: Ow. Don't do that. It hurts.
Scottie: Yeah, I realized it was a mistake after I did it. I thought I'd try, though.
"What a horrible male... That's redundant." - Jen A.
"We're always wanting to adopt the Bronte's. Well, Emily Bronte anyway. They can keep Charlotte." - Schermann
Scottie: My letters spell "JC"... and, ooh! A tie!
Dew: My letters spell "fuck you, Jim."
Scottie: Your letters are assholes.
"The world is Kelroy's oyster really, simply because he owns a penis." - Schermann.
"Hold on, my cat is eating the phone book again." - Kate
"Shakespeare just leaves you saying 'What? That wasn't really orderly... that wasn't funny. That was disturbing." - Greenberg
Dew: I was momentarily confused.
Matt: I was momentarily confusing.
"How do they know? Why should you believe that? Like 'It's in the footnote, man, it must be true'." - Greenberg
"Nooooo! Your pretty eyebrows!" - Lily
"'Tarry, rash wanton'... that's not a compliment." - Greenberg
"Their immediate reaction is not 'Oh look at the guy with the ass head'." - Greenberg
Scottie: Bite me, ass.
Dew: Asses don't have teeth.
"Does that make sense, even if it only makes a little sense?" - Greenberg
"Pretty boys make me watch t.v." - Jen
"Anyone?... I hate guessing games too, but, I'm the teacher." - Greenberg
Scottie: You know what I hate about my camera phone?
Dew: It's secretly a Republican terrorist working for Pat Roberston?
Scottie: Well I've learned to cope with that. My ringtone keeps changing to "They'll Know We Are Christians" and sometimes in the middle of the night, it will randomly say "Fags did 9/11" but I've gotten used to it.
"Everybody had English names, unless they're not English." - Greenberg
"But then again, I'm in the South. Y'all is better at detectin' them there subtleties... Don't worry, I'll never say that again." - Scottie
"People weren't aliens in 1600." - Greenberg
"I'm getting tired of these people saying they want to have sex with me." - Scottie
"Right next to that picture of the woman beaing her husband with the keys... That's gotta be the best picture in the book. That's gotta hurt, that's keys... metal keys. Yeah, so... don't get beaten with keys." - Greenberg
Scottie: Wanted Dead or Alive... Ooh! Look! Oil!
Dew: 'Wanted Dead or Ali... ooh! Look! Oil!' We should so do that.
Scottie: Definitely. I'd wear that on 9/11.
Dew: Heh. And get SHOT.
Scottie: Yeah. Probably. But at least people would have something to think about while I'm being shot.
"This isn't a history class, but it is a history class... you know?" - Greenberg
Scottie: Have I mentioned I hate being depressed?
Dew: I don't think anyone really enjoys it, dear.
"If you've been to London, you know, recently, and not in the 17th century..." - Greenberg
Scottie: Sanity is good.
Lily: And delicious.
Scottie: Like you'd know.
Lily: Hey! We take offense to that.
"You know, I don't think God would be mad if you killed an old person. They've lived their life." - Scottie
Dew: I had a dream about pretty tattooed boys in eyeliner dressed as priests with paddles and Cool Whip.
Scottie: Yay. I had a dream I had cancer.
Dew: Was there Cool Whip?
Scottie: Nope. Unfortunately. It wasn't that sexy.
Dew: Aw.
Scottie: It wasn't the kind of cancer Kurt Cobain wants to eat off me.
"The idea of aliens eating my mother makes me happy." - Scottie
"No matter what you make clear, never touch the boobie until you want to get serious." - Anonymous
E: Bounce with me! With sugar stuff!
Dew: Er... thanks, really, but I'm fine. You bounce away.
Lily: How are you?
Dew: Alive.
Lily: Well that's good. A dead Dew is kinda not fun.
Dew: ... Kinda?!
"Shit! I could have written penis." - Sarah
Lily: I'm not crazy.
Scottie: Psh. Not to yourself. Cos you're crazy.
Dew: It's actually kind of frightening: Getting paid on time. Ooo! Must be bad magic involved.
Matt: Well I wasn't going to tell you about the voodoo curse I put on them...
"He must be onto something, if the Vice President of the United States has to make 'Yo Mama' jokes." - Scottie
"Hell hath no fury like a Dew scorned." - Sarah
"I hate him. Not only is he a prick, but he spelled almost every word incorrectly in his profile and used horrible grammar." - Scottie
Dew: He could be a jerk and make me less likely to be a teeny. He could be a guy-skank like Colin Farrell. But, no.
Lily: Actually, the skankiness made Colin appeal to me at first. It meant I could be at a bar and take him home. And, possibly several STD's.
"I was going to pester you for that scene. But pester in a nice way. With fluffy ponies and clouds." - Sarah
"That's gonna be your assignment for the final. Make a two-hour feature film of 'The Roaring Girl'... starring Bruce Willis." - Greenberg
"The problem with me is when I drink, I'm a smart drunk. I can use logic and big words and remember so later on when people sober up, I can tell them how stupid they were." - Jax
"...And then you're thinking, 'Wait. Has he been naked this whole time?'" - - Greenberg (RE: Elegy 19, Donne)
"It's funny, I get nervous messing with my radio when I'm driving, but when [Ryan Cabrera] comes on, I turn the station. I'm like 'Screw it, at least I died doing a good thing'." - Scottie
"I'm all curious and suspicious, cos I've been watching 24 and Alias." - Jen
Dew: They NEVER pay me on time!
Lily: That really is very irresponsible of them. 'You should tell them, Jesus would like you to pay your employees on time'.
Lily: He's not replying. He's ogling his own pics. He's like "I'm so pretty! And so witty!"
Scottie: And gay.
Jax: Well there are werewolf-pigeons flying past [my window] if that means anything. Swear to God, they howl like werewolves.
Dew: But werewolves don't fly.
Jax: Yeah, but they're pigeons. And 'werepigeons' don't sound right, so they're werewolf/pigeons.
Dew: But pigeons don't actually howl.
Jax: Mine do.
Dew: I always thought California was strange.
Jax: It's something in the air.
Dew: Yeah, in the air alright. Flying werewolf pigeons.
Kate: Eating a bowl of corn at random.
Dew: Awesome. Random corn is the BEST kind!
Kate: I noticed it hanging out in my freezer and thought, "...hmm.... corn."
Dew: I didn't know freezers were corn hangouts. I better check mine. I don't need a turf war happening with the peas.
Kate: It's the broccoli you need to worry about.
Dew: I always thought the broccoli was sneaky.
Kate: There's a reason they call them 'stalks' of broccoli. If you look close at the ends, you'll see the little eyes.
Lily: Do you think I'm a closet bisexual?
Dew: No, I think you're a closet sociopath.
Lily: I don't hide that.
"How many times does Grendel have to eat people before you don't sleep in the mead hall?" - Greenberg
"I hope you never visit him. I think you might kill his mother." - Lily
"Very un-monky. He's not a very monky monk." - Over
Lily: You make her out to be Satan.
Dew: I'm not convinced she's not.
"She says the medieval equivalent of 'he rocked my world'." - Greenberg
"Go AWAY plot bunny of depravity!" - Sarah
"...Also, I didn't know too much chloroform is harmful to the liver. Must keep in mind, not to harm future victims." - Lily
"In 1337, the King of England declared himself king of France. Oddly, the French were bothered by this." - Over
"...And love just goes 'oh crap'." - Greenberg
Scottie: And then I asked mom to call you, and she was like 'No'.
Dew: What's her phone number? We need to have a chat.
"If you're pissed off, you don't murmur." - Prof. Hoberg
Scottie: By the way, how in the HELL do you live through asthma attacks?
Dew: Very very carefully.
Scottie: Know what's awesome though?
Dew: Me!
Scottie: Yeah, but we KNEW that. I was referring to Percocet.
Dew: Ooooh narcotics!
Scottie: Yeah.
Dew: I'm as cool as drugs! Whee!
Scottie: Good. I'm glad that makes you happy.
"Like a rooster sitting on a dung hill, crowing happily at the lesser poultry." - Prof. Hoberg
"I think it's helpful to think about them together. Not, like, holding hands and running through the forest, though." - Prof. Greenberg
Dew: Holy crap. Jim.
Scottie: Holy crap?
Dew: Dude. We agree on something.
Scottie: Holy crap.
Dew: That is just bizarre. Excuse me, I must go look out the window for the Four Horsemen.
Scottie: Me too. I'm scared now.
Scottie: I found out that there's a gay pride event at Sloss Furnaces in Birmingham too.
Dew: Wow.
Scottie: But I think it might be a trick so they'll know where we all are.
"...and I wish I could go potty without having to put me damned pants on!" - Lily
Dew: Die.
Lily: What? How dare you kill me! YOU die!
"Hands off the Aiken!" - Sarah
Lily: I am a fucktard.
Dew: Yes, you are.
Lily: I will continue on as if you were not sure of that.
Dew: I have to finish a 2-3 page paper for Chaucer and I have a paragraph written.
Matt: Yuck.
Dew: Er... not for Chaucer himself. He's been dead a while. But for the class, about him.
Matt: I was thinking, that might be icky, having a centruies old corpse teaching you.
"Oh my god. We've turned Shakespeare into a bathroom joke. He's spinning in his grave." - Lily
Matt: You'll be a busty girl.
Dew: I'm thinking you mean 'busy'.
"...not to mention Des' heart thing. And the heavy duty flirting and slow-dancing thanks to the castle and the goblets o' sexual tension..." - Sarah
"Begone, ye wretched cat!" - Brent
"Damn curiosity. Not satisfied killing the cat, so it wants to maim me." - Sarah
"Reverse psychology or Jedi mind trick. You decide." - Sarah
Lily: I hate stupid people. And I hate even more stupid people who are hypocrites who cower behind the Bible and use it to back them up, even though it doesnt back them up if they fookin' read it properly.
Dew: Yes! I hate them too! Let's kill them all! DIE!
Lily: I like this Dew. Please stay. I want to brush your pretty [insert current color] hair.
Dew: Stupid people should die.
Lily: Yes. Stupid people shall die.
Dew: Or at least be legally sterilized.
Lily: We will burn them on the stake if they cant recite a least five Shakespeare plays.
Dew: Whoot! Where are those matches?
"I don't think God is very happy with me. He was staring at me so I said something about his mother. " - Scottie
"After that story of all the stuff guys have done to my mom, it's amazing that I'm bi." - Scottie
"Abs looks like a monkey. I have decided that after some close and careful consideration." - Sarah
Scottie: She [Lily] wants to kidnap Kate Winslet and have her way with her and then dump her on my doorstep.
Dew: That's wrong.
Scottie: Yes it is.
Dew: [to Lily] Dude. Leave Kate Winslet alone.
Lily: She's so adorable!!!!!!!
"It is most mysterious, the way of computers." - Matt
"I literally feel like I checked out my cousin." - Lily
"The movie itself? Eh. Slow. A little boring. Don't think I'd watch it again. Orlando Bloom? ADORABLE! I love seeing him in a modern role. He can make more modern facial expressions, which he's really very good at." - Jen
Dew: Eww.
Jax: What?
Dew: Who buys underwear on eBay?
Jax: The people I don't want to meet.
"Nothing says 'I love you' more than a few punches to the jaw." - Lily
Matt: I ever tell you my worst typo story?
Dew: Nope.
Matt: "Murderers and rapists" became "Murderers and papists" for a paper I wrote for Catholic school.
"He camps out on my boobs. Or my bladder. Whichever is more painful that day." - Kate
Scottie: Boo!
Dew: Jim!
Scottie: You! ... You need a random nickname.
"If you knew the complexities of my inner badness, you'd never talk to me. Trust me." - Dew
Dew: For some reason, I want to kill you.
Scottie: Go ahead. I wont tell anyone it was you.
"I'll read like the first page of your new fics and get sucked in... and then thirty-six chapters later, the story is finished, but I still want more. You Literary Tease." - Lily
Dew: Looking back, they seem to have a predeliction for dom / sub kink in this story. Interesting.
Lily: Heh. Some like it rough.
Dew: I think we need to buy Lily some porn or something.
Scottie: Or a muzzle
Dew: Or both, depending on what she's into.
Lily: A muzzle?! What the fuck!? I feel so violated.
"It's weird that you'd talk about that. 'Lily needs to get laid'." - Lily
Dew: There is someone on AOL with the Screen Name: HandcuffedMonkey. I am not saying anything. I have nothing to say.
Jax: Not a word coming from me....
Joan: And you found this bit of info how...?
Dew: I got bored and did the chatroom thing.
Joan: And hence "handcuffed monkey". It's just... wow. What are the odds?
Dew: I know. Whomever it belongs to had some other thought process that would have led to "HandcuffedMonkey" but you know exactly where mine went. Had a good laugh over it.
Joan: I know exactly what you mean. More like... multiple thought processes leading towards handcuffs. And cheeky monkeys.
"I heard that if you listen to Nsync's first cd backwards, they talk about worshipping Satan."- Scottie
Dew: Why is it so difficult to find religious Christmas clipart?!
Jax: Wait....CHRISTmas is religious? I thought it was about a fat guy, a snowman, and killing people at the Wal-mart for getting the last Tickle Me Elmo,
Dew: So. Whattya say? Wanna start a revolution? Overthrow the government? Spread peace throughout the land? You can be the president if I can control the armies.
Scottie: Is this a song, or are you asking?
Dew: Asking. I promise I won't kill anyone we like.
Dew: You know whats scary?
Scottie: What?
Dew: I STILL have heard nothing in the US news about that guy from China chillin' with Castro. Three cheers for homeland security! Can we say ''Cuban Missile Crisis'?
Scottie: Know what else is great?
Dew: What else is great?
Scottie: The new operation in Iraq is called, I kid you not, 'Operation Plymouth Rock'.
Dew: Heh. Is it wrong for me to laugh at that?
Scottie: No.
Dew: Laugh... and fear.
"Hah. Oh the Lords of Irony do love you." - Matt
"Anytime there's a crash in my office, it's assumed I was responsible. Even if I'm not there." - Matt
Dew: Emotion is the greatest flaw of the human race.
Anne: Hmm. I guess I wouldn't call it a flaw. Life would be boring without emotion.
Dew: Ok, handicap maybe? Sometimes I think it would be better for everyone if we never came down from the trees. I mean, when's the last time you heard of pigeon murder, or a suicidal dolphin?
Anne: Ok... but what about road kill? We don't know that it was just a case of lacking in enough intelligence to get the hell out of the way of the car.
Dew: Ah. Touche. And come to think of it, I think they make doggie Prozak. So perhaps we'd best be primordial sludge. Protozoa!
Dew: Listening to new music... he sounds like he's trying to sound like Justin Timberlake.
Lily: Sounds like he wants to get paid.
Dew: Yes, I am petty and evil.
Matt: Yes, but in a charming way.
"...But if you say 'Sew some fucking eyes on that poor blind monkey right now!,' I might actually do it ." - Dew
Matt: Eh, not like I do a whole lot.
Dew: Eh, more than me, I'm sure.
Matt: You'd be surprised.
Dew: Well fine then, we're both losers.
Matt: Good for us.
"Whoa. I leave for two hours, and bin Laden makes a video tape." - Scottie
Dew: Merry Hill sounds cheerful.
Martin: So does Hemel Hempstead! 'Hemel' meaning 'heaven'. 'Hemp' meaning 'grass'. 'Stead' meaning 'horse'. Heavenly Dope Horse.
Dew: Well, yes, it does. Not as blatantly as Merry Hill, but yes, it does.
"But... he has no pants on (or anything else for that matter)! We need a gust of wind to blow past him." - Joan
Dew: It's too bad it's fiction. Cos I could totally get behind a God that says 'Fuck'em'.
Matt: I think he does. God has always spoken to me through fiction.
Dew: Awesome! I would like to talk to God. Just a few important questions. Why do bad things happen to good people, etc. Also, 'What's the deal with the platypus? You were drunk, weren't you?'
Matt: He never answers the big ones. Especially the platypus one. I keep asking that. Nada.
Dew: Damn it. Bugger's holding out on us. Damn him. Wait. 'Damn him'? Is that even possible.
Matt: I don't know. If he let it happen, I assume it would be.
Dew: Eh. Just another unanswerable question, like, 'Where is my other sock?' Deities can be weird that way.
Matt: Yeah. And, 'Why is there never a pen around when you need it?'
"Oh lookie, Scott Robinson came bouncing into my brain and wants to play!" - Jax
"Is he... he's freaking naked under that piece of paper!" - Joan
Dew: Your IM keeps hiding from me, beneath my buddy list.
Matt: It's a mysterious power of mine. Oooooooo.
Jax: Would he be considered tall?
Dew: I consider him tall. But then, I'm 5'2.
Jax: You consider Hobbits tall.
"First question from a fan... 'Where do you see yourselves in five years?'... 'Well, hopefully we'll still be together...' Yeah, that worked out well." - Jax
"She is so bent it's not even funny anymore. Except for the part where it is funny, and I laughed." - Dew
"Boy, you bring the funny out in me." - Matt
Dew: Great minds think alike.
Jax: Yeah, but what about us?
Dew: I need help. I'm sitting here listening to Nelly.
Matt: You need some other music, is what you need.
"What, HELL froze over already? I mean, yeah, I thought I saw the Four Horsemen in the sky the other night, but I thought it was just my imagination." - Jax
Dew: I was just sent an email about eliminating debt the Christian way. That's... different.
Anne: The Christian way... what... throw bake sales?
Dew: Or maybe just hold an Inquisition and use the holdings of all the people you have killed for heresy?
Anne: Right.
Sarah: Or increase church offerings.
Dew: Yeah, but where'd the fun be in that?
Matt: Do the fishes and loaves thing, just with money.
Scottie: Aliens don't have genitalia.
Dew: Poor things.
Scottie: Yeah. You'd think that beings of higher intelligence would have genitals.
Dew: Maybe they're just detachable.
Scottie: Hmm.That's possible. Maybe that's WHY they're so smart... When they want to think they remove their penis so they can't be accused of thinking with it.
"Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom, DVD! DVD! Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom, FINALLY! FINALLY! Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom Dom, WHEE! WHEE! Yes, there was a more productive way I could have spent this minute before I have to go to work... but nay." - Jax
"Nakedness may be fun, but not on many days." - Matt
Dew: Manwhore.
Scottie: Yeah. About that. I've been slacking lately.
Dew: Tsk tsk tsk. You shame your people.
Scottie: Yes I do. They're gonna kick me out eventually, and revoke my license.
Dew: Bastards.
Scottie: Well, it's understandable. We have appearances to keep up. A reputation, you know?
Dew: Yup.
Scottie: Besides, if word got out that one of us didn't have sex with many people in one day, the church would totally have to rewrite the Bible. They're kicking me out for the good of religion, really,
Dew: Go shower, Stinkbomb.
Scottie: I'm gonna kill you.
Dew: Well take a shower first.
"1889 called, they want their views back." - Jen
"I wonder what the medical term for being born with your head up your ass is." - Jordan
"Hah! I might havey that, mugging people for erotica." - Matt
"Then my stepdad's friends came over and my mom was like 'I'm trying to convert him to Bush'. I was like 'Hahaha well that's not happening'." - Scottie
"Hah! I am evil, with my addicting weirdness." - Matt
"And you know, I'm not exactly a portrait of optimism." - Scottie
"You were supposed to laugh. Wolves aren't really Islamic terrorists. Well, I can't personally vouch for their religions, but they're not terrorists." - Scottie
Matt: I was a good big brother.
Dew: Well that was nice of you. My brother was evil. As were my sisters.
Matt: I'll kick them for you.
Dew: Thanks!
Matt: Welcome.
Scottie: WHY isn't it working?
Anne: Because it hates you.
"...But at the end I felt stupid so I said, 'Fuck Nsync!' And this real naive Catholic girl was like 'Did you just say a cussword?' And I was like 'No'. Sad thing is, I think she believed me." - Lily
"I think Tom Brokaw accidentally just said 'Kenfucky'." - Scottie
"Not implying I'm a fart of any kind, old or otherwise." - Sarah
"Change 'foo's x' to 'the x of foo'." - Jordan
"I will, like, try and be proud of something that is sucky and my own." - Lily
"We're a useful pair of crazies to have around." - Matt [re: Kate]
Dew: You know what's funny? It's tomorrow here.
Jax: And it's today here.
Dew: Yup. You're scary! Heh.
Kate: I believe that's a 'we'.
Dew: We were having war as to who would buy the next can of coffee and I broke down after only a day.
Rita: Nice holding out, Dew.
"Why would you want to go to Alabama anyway?" - Rita
Dew: I like monkeys.
Jax: REALLY?! Particularly deejaying monkeys?
Dew: This getting Jewish holidays off is a new experience for me. i went to catholic school. the only days off we had somehow involved jesus or his momma.
Matt: I remember the days of Catholic school. I think that's why I forget the Jewish holidays.
Dew: Although they stopped that eventually too and we had to spend two hours in mass and miss a couple classes instead of getting a 'day off for prayer.
Matt: That bites. Jesus would have wanted you to have the day off.
Dew: I think so. He was all about chilling out. Long hair, sandals, talking about peace and love? The world's first hippie.
Matt: Damn straight!
"My brain cross-references." - Dew
Dew: Is that not awesome?
Scottie: It is. Which is why I will be right there in Hell with you.
Dew: Who would have thought being eternally damned could be so much fun?
Scottie: Heh. Not me!
"Thunj? That's a fun word. It's Icelandic for, 'I've been stressed out so much today because my mother is insane'." - Scottie
Lily: Rant - heard about Oprah giving new cars?
Dew: Yeah.
Lily: Cos they needed cars. I need to get laid. Will you send a letter for me? That Johnny Depp must be delivered to my door or I will die of a mysterious disease.
"Anchovies are 35% less likely to wear socks on their heads than sharks." - E
"Oh boy. That's wrong. I need a washcloth for my brain. Cos that's gonna leave a mark." - Dew
Dew: Wow. Minimize for ten seconds and the conversation dissolves into squeaking.
Matt: And heroin!
"Incest on daytime AND nighttime tv! I think they're trying to get people to go do something else. 'Let's repulse you so much that you have no other choice but to go out and READ!'. It's a vast left-wing conspiracy." - Scottie
"Well now that I know I have awesome stamina, I should leave and look for eight or nine random people to do." - Scottie
Dew: Every sentence...
Scottie: Oh?
Dew: Just makes me want to reach over and BEAT them to a bloody death with their Bibles.
Scottie: Heh.
Dew: While screaming 'What the FUCK is wrong with you?!'
Scottie: Yeah.
Dew: Die. Bastards. Just... die. And we'll have parties.
Scottie: Heh. Evil. But, so are they.
Jax: How many others can sit in a chat room for hours and go from talking about Hobbits, The Rasmus, to Bush, to websites, to comics?
Scottie: Exactly.
Dew: I can't start thinking now. I'll never sleep.
Jax: Too late.
"Satan goes: 'Dew... Dew... oh, here she is on my list. 'Pure Evil. Wants to take over Hell.' Well, shit. Sorry, Jesus, either you get this one or she learns to live forever'." - Dew
Dew: Mary-Sues. Feh.
Matt: The horror, the horror.
Dew: They are the reason I pray every night that someone invents a button you can click on your computer, that causes a massive arm to pop out of someone else's and wallop them upside the head.
Matt: I would give money to help its development
"Shopping, shopping, shopping, shopping, shopping, shopping, shopping, shopping, Code Red! Code Red!" - Jax
Dew: Hang out outside of his PO Box for when he has to come and pick up his hosting bill. And then steal him and send him to Joan, to lure her back from the anime fandom that has stolen her away.
Jax: I'd hold out the bill for him. 'Dude, you know you're almost past due, right?' Then Dew comes up behind with the sack and grabs him. 'Here Joan, now will you rejoin us?'"
Dew: So sad that we would both poke them.
Jax: Well poking is one step away from groping, without the nasty security guards getting uppity.
"I could not see a jury saying, 'Well you did kill you family, BUUUUT since you moved you've made friends, and you haven't killed any MORE people, so you're off the hook, buddy." - Scottie
"Kittens are amazing things! Just as puppies are!" - E
Dew: I used to dislike the taste of alcohol but it just makes everyone else so much more interesting.
E: Now that is true. They even clone themselves.
E: There should be a special procedure for something or the other! Quite what isn't known - but there should be!
Dew: Huh?
E: Hurrah! I confuzzled you!
Dew: Don't celebrate. It's not exceedingly difficult to do.
E: But I did it with magic...
"Oh, anime stories invariable feature Japanese school girls and tentacles." - E
"I do not put a gun to your head and say, 'Hey, fear me!'" - Lily
"That's like, my only good quality. My happiness. It radiates throughout the universe. Those two hurricanes that hit Florida? Spawned by the radiation of my happiness." - Scottie
Martin: I moved out of that house in May you know. Away from the toaster
Dew: How would I know that? When was the last time we talked?
Martin: It has not followed me.
Dew: HA! That you KNOW of!
Martin: Well if it has, it has kept well hidden.
Dew: It could be skulking in the shadows! Watching your every move!
Martin: Sneaky bastard could be anywhere. Breathing down my ear when I sleep.
Dew: Exactly. Evil toasters can be very sneaky.
Jen: I want a stripper.
Dew: Just generally, or at a bachelorette party?
Jen: Both.
"That worm doesn't say 'I Love You'." - Lily
"I find heresy totally hilarious." - Dew
"The Man never lets me have any fun." - Jordan
Jordan: Grr.
Dew: Grr?
Jordan: Dick Cheney is coming to DeKalb.
Dew: Gah. Hide?
Jordan: Protest!
Dew: Protests are now legally termed domestic terrorism.
Jordan: Well, rent's cheap in jail.
Dew: True.
Jordan: Maybe it's time to get the first amendment tattoo I've been wantin'... either that or the whole Bill of Rights on my back. That could be cool.
Dew: And then you can have them crossed out, one by one, as they're stripped away by the Bush administration.
"A philosopher is like a sign post. They always point you in the right direction, but never get there themselves." - Prof. Lee
"No, I forbid you to touch my computer, you inferior being." - Scottie
"If I'm President Bush, and I want to see the new Jamie Kennedy movie..." - Bergren
"If you're in college, at least you should have the intelligence to sleep in the back row." - Prof. Lee
"Catcher in the Rye is like the alienation handbook... and a lot of young people with guns tend to read it." - Connoly
"You can't put a camel through the eye of a needle... and if you did, it would come out all squishy and not very camel-like." - Bergren
"He or she... probably a 'he' cos it's usually the 'he's who are dicks..." - Prof. Lee
"Hey, I'm wearing hot pink underwear and you can't see!" - Tina.
"God forbid I can't run to Dominick's at four in the morning cos I'm high and want a pot roast." - Tina.
"From a human perspective, you want to be the top gorilla." - Prof. Lee
"Well paint me green and call me Gumby! ALABAMA! That's some hootin' hollerin' good times overe there, yessiree bob. Kiss my grits, ya'll will have more fun than Justin Timberlake in one of dem dere beauty parlors." - Jen
Scottie: Smart one, you are.
Dew: YODA! Where have you been? I missed you! How're them Ewoks doing?
Scottie: Chillin', they are.
Dew: Holy fuck me Friday. This person should be shot. 'OMG W3 M00VD!11'.
Scottie: Haha... people like that make me want to die.
Dew: And not saying anything?
Scottie: Yup. Unless I was saying something and we both didn't notice.
"I guess they grow weirdos in Chicago." - Scottie
"Ah. Science I'm cool with. It's the math I can't handle. Algebra is the tool of the Devil and anything past it is indecipherable babbling of madmen with calculators." - Dew
Dew: Grr. I think I might have to go to Colorado and murder someone.
Kate: Outstanding, what for?
"See, you work for the Lord and you get no health care." - Kate
Dew: You rock my socks!
Becky: Only if they're clean.
Jordan: Although I'm not so sure how altruistic I'd stay if the guys in jackboots were taking orders from me.
Dew: Absolute power corrupts even the truest of heart.
Jordan: Yeah, and I'm no saint. It's just too hard not to crush all those who oppose you, when you can.
Dew: Knee-high Nunlets. With mini-rulers to smack you with.
Scottie: And when they're delivered, they come out along with a Bible.
Dew: And a little habit.
Dew: We just can't get to Hell fast enough.
Scottie: I was thinking the same thing.
Scottie: Suddenly I just got this weird feeling like I'm being watched.
Dew: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. He just likes to watch you type.
Scottie: Because I type so seductively.
"If I bleed to death from inexperience, tell Five I love them. And if I don't, tell them they can meet me at Motel 6." - Lily
"Poor guy, that Latino background won't let him break through the machismo and just love the penis." - Kate
"I hate my life. And cards... Mostly my cards." - Scottie
"Dude. I'd be so scared if a Lily was talking to me." - Lily
Scottie: Sleep is for terrorists.
Dew: Insomnia is for Emo boys.
Scottie: True dat.
Scottie: You're evil, too.
Dew: That's why you love me.
Scottie: Or I just make you think I love you so you don't brutally murder me and then laugh?
"I pity me. Honestly. I'm held captive by my own brain. It's sad. It tortures me with stupid thoughts." - Lily
"Why Google when you can do the Dew?" - Lily
"One time I asked Abby if she preferred her water with lemon or without. She refused to answer, thinking that it was some sort of malicious ploy." - Drew
Dew: What do you think my weakness is?
Scottie: I dunno, British musicians?
Dew: You're a very strange person.
Lily: Indeed.
"How does a blanket make vowel sounds?" - Scottie
Jen: So we have to talk. I mean really.
Dew: Oh?
Jen: You have this huge talent. That you are not utilizing. Which is an insult to those of us without the talent.
Dew: Uh-huh... is that so?
Jen: Absolutely.
Dew: Is this some roundabout way of telling me to write more?
Jen: Yes. Insulting I say.
Dew: I'll try. I promise.
Jen: Try? TRY? Gone just came on my WinAmp. I've been sitting here, Can't get your stories off my mind. Try my best to be sane and be strong.
Dew: I think you just jumped past the sane part.
Jen: I drove myself insane wishing I could read new stuff, But the truth remains you're GONE!
Scottie: I was like, "Jesus, go get a valium!"
Dew: Jesus can't have valium, it makes him nauseous. He's a Demoral man.
Scottie: Aw, poor Jesus. Oh he told me to tell you 'hi', by the way.
Dew: Tell him I said 'whattup, dawg?'
Scottie: He said you're "quasi-evil... not evil enough!" and you're still going to Heaven.
Dew: Damn, who dya have to kill to get to Hell around here?
Scottie: The president. That's why he came by. He wants to enlist you in our plot.
Dew: I am SO there, dude.
Scottie: My family are SUCH freaks.
Dew: Put them in a tent and charge people to see.
"MSN messenger just informed me that I have received a new email message from shoes. I wasn't aware that shoes were complex enough to send emails." - Scottie
Dew: After this game, I'm questing for soda.
Scottie: And the Holy Grail?
Dew: No. Just soda. I might pick up the Ark of the Covenant if it's in the fridge.
Scottie: Cool. I'm hiding the Holy Grail under my bed anyway.
Dew: I knew you had it! Jerk.
Scottie: Muahahahaha. And stuff.
Dew: Well I'm using the Shroud of Turin as a beach towel, so THERE.
Scottie: Gah. Evil. Well I think that makes us both dorks.
"Mr. Orgasm-over-The-Calling-guy over there." - Dew
"I like intelligent people. It scares me when I talk to people and they're dumb." - Scottie
Martin: Amanda, you are an evil evil woman.
Dew: Am I? Well, I try. Sweet of you to mention it, though.
"See? It's like getting feedback all over again." - Jen
Martin: I promise not to stalk you.
Dew: Well, thanks.
Martin: And only partially because I can't afford a plane to Chicago.
Martin: So, whatcha doing?
Dew: Nothing.
Martin: We have something in common!
"I FOUND A GRAMATICAL ERROR IN YOUR STORY!!! Hahaha! You never have errors. I’m almost glad to know you’re human." - Jen
Dew: How do you not know these things?
Scottie: It could have something to do with this rock above my head.
Lily: Would you ever have sex in a cemetery?
Scottie: Depends on if someone else was there to dig up the body. I mean, um, no, why?
"Cos I went to this bible study group meeting and they sang Christian songs and out of nowhere you see people lifting one hand up... And I'm like, 'What the fuck, Heil Hitler?!'" - Lily
Dew: Have you seen Garfield?
Martin: The movie?
Dew: Yes.
Martin: It's not out here.
Dew: Oh.
Martin: And if it comes out here... I'm sorry, but I'm going to destroy America.
"I never thought you were the militant type." - Scottie
"Now I'm going to be wondering if anything I'm saying will end up on your quotes list." - Jen
"Well she doesn't really deserve the evil. I think she's just a moron. But I don't fault the ignorant. She can't help that she's a raving idiot." - Jen
"Sorry. I've been accosted by a dead 19th Century writer. It has made me a bit preoccupied." - Dew
"I think I will have a special level of Hell, never before used." - Scottie
Scottie: The only thing I hve to get excited about is this picture I drew of the corner of a room.
Dew: I don't have anything to get excited about.
Scottie: Draw the corner of a room.
"You know, I can't tell if this bitch is a dude or a chick. If it wasn't for the name Sabrina... but even then I was like 'Hahaha, they named him... Oh'." - Lily
"It doesn't completely suck. I'm slightly impressed." - Dew
"Then, after I try, I'm like, 'Eh, fuck it, I'm not Jesus, see you in Hell buddy!' Seeing as I have a fuckin' resort there. A backpool of tormeted souls." - Lily
"I have come to the conclusion that you would go on a killing spree if you had to work there." - Jax
"Every morning I wake up and pray to my Jewish God: Please, Lord. Please let Brendan be my friend." - Jen
Scottie: I love being completely strange.
Dew: It's fun, isn't it?
Scottie: So much fun. I wanna move there so we can act strange in PUBLIC.
Dew: I don't know.
Scottie: You should know.
Dew: Sorry. As much as you might like to think so, I am not omniscient. Yet, anyway.
Scottie: I knew something like that was coming. I guess you have to wait til you die, and kick god's ass.
Dew: That wasn't exactly the plan.
Scottie: No?
Dew: I didn't think I'd make it to heaven. I thought I'd have to kick the shit out of the devil and take HIS seat. He may be the Big Bad but he probably knows what's the what.
Scottie: Ah. Yeah, he probably does. He's probably trying to keep you alive... out of fear.
Dew: Yes. You told me that.
Martin: Yeah I'm just linking it the the tonsils for you. Building a network of my life in your mind. I'm a software engineer.
Scottie: Now I Hate Myself - 'Less Than Nothing'. Inspirational music.
Dew: Lovely.
Scottie: Yup, it's great. When I close my eyes while I'm listening to it, I can see myself dancing in a field of beautiful flowers... and then God comes down and impales me with a fiery sword.
"I've never taken your lunch!" - Scottie
"I do like pretty boys. But I also like guys that are hot in unconventional ways. Maybe I just like penis." - Lily
"I would take my turn, but I'm being smited." - Scottie
"I squeaked, I was laughing so hard." - Scottie
Dew: Can't even let me have two weeks without having to run off somewhere and fill out paperwork.
Jordan: Yup. School runs off paper.
Dew: They must have something against trees.
Jordan: It's the ivy. The ivy controls everything. It wants forests destroyed and universities built in their places.
Dew: You're geekier than me.
Jordan: Duh. I'm a computer programmer.
Dew: One day I will get the hang of this time change business.
Martin: Yup. The easiest way is to move to England. But don't. Because then you're likely to see Black Books. And I don't want it to be cancelled
"Ok I'm gonna go bed now, cos it's past four and I'm a tired lil' bunny." - Martin
Martin: Silly girl. Should have waited till I was in my room.
Dew: Cos I'm psychic and I know where you are all the time.
Martin: YES! You're a girl. Women's intuition and all that. Everyone knows girls have evil psychic powers.
Dew: Well I choose to use my powers for good. Like, lottery numbers.
Martin: No. These powers can only be used to freak out men. That's how it works.
"See this is why you should write everything I say." - Scottie
Dew: Do I seem cruel?
Kevin: I was going to say something but was afraid you'd hit me.
"See, this is a perfect example of what I COULD be like, seeing as I have so much time on my hands. I could make shiny sock animations." - Scottie
Dew: Well, you're famous now. You've made my quotes page.
Martin: This'll totally get me the ladies now
"My quotes are so much better the Scottie's. I can and will fight him over this." - Martin
"Yay. You're now an ass if you get confused. How awesome. Can I be a prick if I'm hungry?" - Scottie
"Dream about me. It would be cool if more girls dreamnt about me. Unless their dreams are about like murder or scorpions. Or gay sex. So if you don't dream about murder, scorpions or gay sex, dream about me." - Martin
"10:54 is horny time for you." - Scottie
"Gah. You'd think the sexual deviant would do all the nasty words." - Scottie "Poopsquirrels!" - Martin
"If it helps, I was listening to The Pillows last night. The Pillows is a band. Just thought I'd clarify that. I am not a crazy person that listens to his bedding." - Jordan
"It's good to remind people who live in nice manicured subdivisions and drive massive gas guzzling cars and dress their toddlers in Eddie Bauer clothes and force them to take violin lessons at age two that there's still people like me out there. They haven't fucking child-proofed the world yet and as long as I'm around, they'll have problems." - Jordan
Dew: It's good to know somebody wants me. Even if its only for questioning.
Scottie: Someone should SO make that into a shirt.
Dew: So I've locked everything up and I'm hiding up here. If I start screaming, please dial '911'.
Martin: Nah. I can't waste my phone credit
Dew: Ah, fine, I see how it is. Fine, let me die.
Martin: Well tell you what. I'll make an online memorial. Like when I have time.
Martin: It's like how to me Shakespeare sucks...
Dew: You can't just trust me on this?
Martin: ...and he's some kinda playwriting equivalent to a ninja to you.
"Well then. Now I feel dirty." - Scottie
"One of those, 'Wow. Wouldn't it kick ass if I was robbed at gunpoint right now?' moods." - Scottie
"I am deeply confused, but it's ok, because it's normal for me to be confused." - Scottie
"Pretend that made sense." - Scottie
Dew: Oh, I get it. Find the person online with the crappiest computer and tell them to look.
Rita: Hehe. If you can see it, anyone can.
"I'm not sure I wanna know what's going on backstage in my head." - Jordan
"I think Domino's is just going to start thinking I enjoy the company of the delivery people or something." - Scottie
Martin: I could have left him a note.
Dew: Oh?
Martin: Instead I wrote an essay on how using the toaster would be monumentally bad. I can finally justify buying this fountain pen.
Scottie: Speaking of your stories...
Dew: No.
Scottie: WHEN are... haha... k, I won't even finish that.
Dew: Matthew 4:20; "And the Lord Jesus doth speaketh, do not harass Amanda about her worketh."
Scottie: Ah. I really should have read more of the Bible. OH! But, remember? I'm Jewish. Or did you forget?
Dew: Exodus, 7:11; 'Sayeth Moses, LET MY PEOPLE GO! And let Amanda write at her own PACE!
Scottie: Where is it written that you get to sing but I don't?
Dew: In the Bible. John 3:16
Scottie: Actually, no.
Dew: And Revelations 1:66
Scottie: John 3:16? "For god so loved the world that he gave his only Son so that Amanda could type song lyrics but Scottie can't."
Dew: Usually the only random IM's I get are from horny perverts.
Martin: Yeah, well, that's what you get for being a girl.
Scottie: Yeah, and I wish I was a gay schoolteacher too.
Dew: Well you're halfway there.
Dew: I'm not sure if I like you anymore
Martin: How about if I compliment your eyes?
Dew: That would work. shoot.
Dew: So pick a topic then.
Martin: Fish
Dew: Right. Fish. Once had a goldfish named Ralph.
Martin: Cool name
Dew: Originally it was She-Ra. but we changed it to Ralph.
Martin: Mine was 'Chocolate Biscuit'.
Dew: We got him at a carnival and he lived seven years, and grew bigger than the hamsters. So big, actually, that when he died, we could not flush him, and we had to bury him in the backyard. Requiem for Ralph. The end.
Martin: Aww. Chocolate Biscuit was a small fish but he got all bloaty and it looked like he swallowed a goldfish... er, golfball.
Dew: Vision's cloudy. Ask again tomorrow.
Martin: Wait... I don't have to turn you upside down and the up again for an answer like a Magic 8 Ball do I? 'Cos that'd be weird.
"Being called a moron makes me feel all warm inside." - Scottie
"I know you were enjoying all the penis talk." - Scottie
"And crap is on the floor...it's on the floor 'cause my dad is just letting it fall 'cause one day it will be empty and then I get home from work and it's overflowing and no one will push stuff down so it can wait. 'Cause appearently I am the magicaly gatekeeper whom is the only one who can take it out " - Jax
"Did you ever suddenly feel like you're not wearing pants?" - Amy H.
"Somehow I don't think me going to church will change God's mind about the whole... I was already going to Hell thing. It's like... he's like, 'Dude... sorry'." - Scottie
"Yeah, I have lovely, amazingly happy thoughts. With sunshine and roses." - Scottie
"They are probably fat little girls sitting in their rooms and no one likes them. But on the internet, they are bad ass." - Rita
"And that's the saddest monkey I've ever seen. Aww." - Scottie
"I wrote a really great Five vampire story once. Abs was the main vamp and he turned the others." - Rita
"I am sniffing my new textbook. Smells new. Yes, I know that's weird. It has that new book smell. And for god's sake, it cost me 135 bucks, I better appreciate it!" - Joan
"I love your mind. Don't you get lost in there?" - Scottie
Jax: Sorry I didn't respond right away, was playing with the Lij puzzle I made.
Dew: I'm playing with Dom and Billy
Dew: Hey that sounds fun.
Jax: I wanna play
Dew: Lij looked hard, is he?
Dew: Boy I am just two for two with that tonight, ish
"And Dew has the power of 'author'-ity." - Joan
"And I could care LESS about touching celebrities. Unless they're naked or something." - Jen
"We could roadtrip to England." - Scottie
"This shit is mighty wicked - in a good religious kind of a way!" - Tina.
"Mommy, would you buy me the pretty man's cd?" - Jax
"It's perfectly normal to have a serial killer clown fetish, Mrs. I-Like-British-Prettyboys." - Scottie
"Some people were only put on this earth to annoy the hell out of others." - Jax
"Measure your life in Jesus? Is that metric, or standard?" - Andy (commenting on a homily)
Dew: Dentist's suck
Joan: No, they drill.
Scottie: You're completely random.
Dew: Yes. I know. Thank you.
Dew: Eventually.
Jax: Define "eventually". Like, your eventually or my eventually? Cos those are two totally different things.
Dew: My eventually; before I die. All right, fine. Before YOU die. Better?
Jax: Wait... I'm gonna die first? What do you have planned?!
"Happy Birthday To You, You Live In A Zoo, Your man looks like monkey... but he's a cute one woo-hoo!" - Jax
Dew: Somewhere, someday, I will.
Scottie: In another life when we're both cats?
"Did I type that outloud?" - Jen
Dew: You know what I need?
Scottie: Valium?
Dew: A new hobby and a social life... Although that would help too.
"Hey now. She's braved great white sharks. Don't make her have to kick your ass too, Breen." - Jen
"I wanna go on a quest to a car repair shop, buy gallons and gallons of oil, and go fly them (on a dragon if necessary) and drop them on the White House." - Scottie
"In LA? Cause I doubt England has beaches like those. And... you know. Sun." - Joan
"My finger is a piece of metal and the enter key is a magnet." - Scottie